Stages of Loss

I’m going to switch things up today. We’re going to look at something that affects all of us at one point or another. From a leadership standpoint, dealing with loss is inevitable. This topic is important. That is why I want to spend some time on it.

Grief is what we experience when we endure a significant loss. Usually, we talk about grief when we lose someone special to us. I’m going to present ideas to you that were presented to me years ago in graduate school. I want to show you how the stages of grief can be applied to any significant loss. I plan to use simple, straightforward language as well as humor. Please, do not mistake my humor for making light of grief. That is not the case.

Recently, a friend of mine’s parent passed away. I wrote a letter to his surviving parent, sharing some of these things I’m sharing with you as well. My friend’s loss made me think of grief. Writing the letter was challenging, but it was not nearly as challenging as what his family has been experiencing. When I learned of his parent’s passing, I reminisced about good times and ways his parents impacted my life. I also covered them in prayer.

I still sincerely believe one of the kindest things we can do is pray for one another. So I did and have. I shared with a colleague recently we, as a people, need to know about grief and its stages. As they were presented to me years ago, my professor discussed how these stages relate to any significant loss. That knowledge, my friends, can be a game-changer. I’ll go over this more later.

I’d encourage you to visit www.grief.com as I believe it is a great resource. As a matter of fact, it is the source for my grief information in this piece. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was really onto something when she identified the stages of grief. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I’m going to simplify the stages.

To clarify, these stages are not linear; they do not go in order. We do not experience all of them necessarily during our grief experiences. Furthermore, our human experiences may not fit in this “box” called grief.

There are five stages. Denial is listed as the first stage. Common thoughts might include, “I can’t believe this happened.” We may feel numb. Loss doesn’t make sense, yet it’s natural for us to try to make sense of it. We question whether we can make it.

Anger, on the other hand, can be directed at self, the situation, God, or anyone really. The root cause of this tends to be the hurt and pain a person feels. Sometimes, it’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad, hurt, or weak. Blame seems to be a part of this stage.

Bargaining is really about wrestling with what happened. It can look like begging God to change things. A person may say, “If only . . .” or “What if . . .” Guilt plays a part in this stage. We may reflect on the past, struggling to move forward.

When it comes to grief, depression makes sense to be one of the stages. Depression sucks joy from life; it’s hard to think or want to do anything. A person may withdraw. It is important to note depression as a response to grief is not the same as an individual suffering with mental illness although there certainly are some similarities. There is a lot of sadness and hurt. It may often be hard to think about anything else.

Acceptance is the point of finally coming to terms in the loss. Even though the person’s world has been forever changed, s/he begins to improve. The fog begins to lift, and there is more hope. The person begins doing something different. People may even feel conflicted because they begin feel better.

Now, remember: these stages aren’t sequential; they’re not objectives. You don’t meet one and move to the other. You may flow throw a few within a matter of minutes. As I learned long ago, the stages can occur with any significant loss. That’s important for you to know.

This is the part in which I’m definitely not making light of loss. When I was younger, I had a lot of hair. A great part of my identity was my hair.

Or, so I thought.

When my hair started coming out, it hurt my feelings. Some of these are not significant losses per se, but I believe you’ll see the point. I joke now, but back then, it was a painful experience. I tried products to help me keep it. When my wife and I first met and were dating, I asked her if I could stop the products. She gave me permission. I made a lot of bald jokes when I was a kid. I joke now when I show people pictures of me when I had a lot of hair that it was one part karma, one part genetics, and proof of God’s sense of humor. I valued my hair above the Lord. So, He helped me with that. He took it away. Here is where I am with it today: if it were all gone, great. I save lots of money and time; I’m grateful for what I have.

Consider some more examples. Ever lose or misplace your keys, your wallet, or your phone? Think about the feelings you go through when you do. I’ve seen people who became disabled. They longed to work. They grieved their former capabilities and their current situation. Think about natural disasters wiping away homes. Survivors grieve what they once had.

They experience grief.

When I was a young man with hair, I remember my car was broken into once. Evidently, someone bricked the window and stole my cassette tapes (I told you it was a long time ago!). Man, I grieved my lost music. I had collected some obscure, hard-to-find stuff, and they were gone in a flash. Interestingly, I did not only experience some of these stages of grief, but I also began obsessively and compulsively checking to make sure my doors were locked. They were indeed locked. The incident was not my fault. Yet, to make sense of the senseless, I blamed myself.

It is an easy thing to do, self-blame. When we try to make sense of the senseless, the finger pointed to blame often turns inward. I’d caution to be aware. It can be a difficult and challenging path to follow.

Imagine having no faith in Jesus and being the first captain to set sail after the Titanic sunk. Imagine being on the next space shuttle after Columbia. Imagine being the first few flights after 911. There’s a fear and doubt there that is likely and rarely paralleled. As Zach Williams sings, “Fear is a liar.”

I love numbers. Data is great. But faith is bigger. More importantly, it can work right alongside of those numbers. Interestingly enough, both sides of the faith argument use faith. There’s an adage, “If I’m wrong, I’m dead and spread somewhere. Nothing’s wasted. If you’re wrong, eternity is wasted.”

That’s quite a gamble.

The day my children decided to follow Jesus unified our family. There is a peace in that I cannot explain or describe. We are connected on Earth as Mom, Dad, and sons. Greater though, we are connected as brothers and sisters in Christ.

I’ve always believed in Heaven and Hell. I’ve been a lukewarm follower who dabbled in other things. I believed in coincidences and chance. These days, I believe in providence. And, you know what? I see it play out time and time again.

My challenge to you if you’re in the “no faith” camp is to look for evidence supporting it for once and see what happens. Keep a journal. Live and practice as a person of faith. Watch what happens in your life. I know there will be a quality of life you’ve never experienced before. I have experienced it in mine and my family’s lives.

If you’re struggling with loss, I have prayed for you. I am sorry you’re hurting. Please know there’s hope. Talk with someone. Join a support group. If you find that you’re not enjoying yourself as you once did or if your routine has changed. Maybe you’re staying more to yourself. This may be your way of dealing with your loss. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will be forever changed. Find ways to honor your loved one. Find ways to tell stories and share memories. It may seem small, but I believe it helps. Journal. Write letters to your loved one. Think about this: if you had a conversation with them today, what would they tell you; what would they want for you?

I’m going to leave some verses that may help you. I’d encourage you to read over them no matter your religious affiliation or lack thereof. As I said, I’ve prayed for you. God loves you whether you know Him or not.

Matthew 5:4 says, “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 reminds us:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Romans 14:8 says, “If we live, it’s to honor the Lord. And if we die, it’s to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 4:17-18 reminds us, “Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words.”

Revelation 21:4 says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

May God bless and comfort you in this challenging and difficult time.

Thank you for reading.

 

#loss #grief #StagesOfLoss #overcome #support #Jesus #JesusChrist