Managing Regret

If you’re breathing and reading, you’ve dealt with regret. Or, maybe it’s dealt with you. Regret is tough to manage. There are some things you can do to help yourself manage it better.

• Acknowledge your thoughts. Really focus on the content. Pay particular attention to your self-talk. A former professor of mine and main thesis advisor, Dr. Tom Brinthaupt, has studied self-talk. It’s interesting because he takes a functional approach to it, meaning he’s curious why people use it differently. Self-talk can be helpful when we use it to reinforce ourselves or manage ourselves better. On the contrary, it can be hurtful when we criticize ourselves or socially assess interactions. I find the latter super problematic because I have a tendency to replay interactions or fantasize about how I wish things would have gone. Paul says we’re supposed to take every thought captive. It helps to get out of that fantasy. Keeping yourself in the present will help you avoid past and future-fantasy interactions. Play detective and gather facts and evidence. If you struggle finding any, move forward with the additional tips.
• Acknowledge your feelings. Pay attention to what you’re feeling and name them. If you’re angry about an interaction, at least acknowledge it to yourself. If you read this regularly, you know I’m a Jesus-follower. I pray. “Lord, help me give these thoughts and feelings to you. I am struggling with ____. Help me give You control.” Journaling is a good outlet for this. Talking with good friends and your spouse is a great outlet, too. I do not recommend social media. In fact, if you really want more real connection in your life, quit it altogether. There are times in which I voice to God that I’m frustrated or do not like a particular situation. I know He knows, but I see it as being authentic.
• Lower your expectations. I mean this in two ways; for self and for others. Self-grace is so important, especially these days. Give yourself the grace you would give others. Quit expecting perfection; apart from Jesus, it does not exist. Likewise, lower your expectations of others. Remember: Perfection does not exist. That means, it does not exist in you, and it does not exist in others. Even in the church, lower your expectations of others. 1 John 2 reminds us not to be attached to worldly matters; instead, we need to focus on the Kingdom.

“Give yourself the grace you would give others.”

• Move from internal to external. Serving God is a great way to shift your focus. In addition, if I find that I’m “in my head” too much, I find that doing something else helps me. I can focus on tasks I need to get done. This keeps me busy. I can focus on a new goal. This helps me daydream or be creative. I can take a walk. This helps me get grounded and focus on the things around me. I can focus on someone else entirely. In my experience, helping others is almost certain to help me stop focusing on myself. It even helps me be grateful sometimes.

Regret is real, and it’s really challenging. Incorporate these suggestions as part of your plan in dealing with regret. I know I’ve struggled with wondering if I should have voiced this thought or that. Would it have made a difference? It’s hard to say, right? I think trusting in God for the greater good is a good practice for me.

Still, see if these suggestions will help your intentions and your focus. Try taking captive those problematic thoughts while acknowledging your feelings. Get yourself busy mentally and physically. Try focusing on someone else. Serve God and others.

Give yourself the grace you would give others, and manage regret better than ever.

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