A Different Kind of Question

Have you ever had a situation in which someone brings to you a problem and you just didn’t pay attention to what s/he said? What would that person think? How would that person feel? Intentional or not, I’m ignoring that person.

Or, have you had that done to you? Maybe you made a suggestion for improvement to a situation or offered a solution to a problem. As you speak to the person, s/he listens and even jots down things while you’re speaking. It seems like the person is really listening to you. You may even think that things will get done. You feel, in the moment, heard. Time passes, and nothing happens. Things stay the same. You realized you were essentially lied to during that interaction.

When this happens, I personally lose trust with that person. I end up feeling like that person doesn’t care what I have to say, that it’s not important. I’d rather the person just say it upfront and be done with it rather than make believe.

Sometimes, I even think, “Why bother?” I have had this situation happen to me throughout my lifetime. Sometimes, I look for another way out: “I’m tired of it; I don’t deserve this.” As Clint said in one of my favorite Westerns: “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.” Avoiding it doesn’t really solve the problem. In fact, the lessons I’ve tried to escape often end up repeating themselves again and again until I get them right. Still, I noticed I felt similarly each time—like a victim.

Then, it hit me. I get angry when someone does exactly the same thing I know I have done. Do I mean to ignore people intentionally? Not necessarily. But, I do. Chances are that you do, too.

I’ve probably mentioned John Miller’s book, QBQ, in the past. If you’ve listened to Dave Ramsey over the years, you’ve probably heard of this book. It’s a good, quick read; if you haven’t read it, I’d encourage you to do so. The book challenges us to think about our situations in new ways. Rather than victimize ourselves (the “Why me” mentality that I alluded to above), we ask ourselves what we could have done differently.

Did you catch that?

In other words, we are tasked with not blaming others, but taking responsibility for ourselves instead. That puts the onus of change on our shoulders, not someone else’s. It gives us power to respond differently instead of expecting the other person to change. We can respond in strength rather than in deficit.

Besides feeling like things were done to us (i.e., victim mentality), there are other things we can do to help ourselves in similar situations.

Pray

As a follower of Jesus, I pray (e.g., James 5:16). I pray for the situation, yes, but I also pray for my “enemy,” the offender. I realize we live in a vengeful, revenge-oriented world oftentimes; however, Matthew 5:44 tell us exactly what we’re to do. (In fact the whole chapter—the whole Bible really—is a good read that should make us not only pause and think, but also read, study, and live by). The Bible also tells us how to handle conflict (one-on-one à small group à church). Even if you don’t follow Jesus, you can speak to the person or perhaps take it to a supervisor (e.g., Ephesians 4:25). Consider what is right and try to do it (James 4:17). Regardless, we’re all accountable for our words and actions (e.g., Romans 14:12; Matthew 12:36-37). Granted, there are many other relevant verses; if you’re interested, I’d encourage you to check them out by opening your favorite Bible app, website, or actual, physical Bible.

Show Kindness

What if the person is my supervisor?

I get it. I do. If you don’t want to be a perpetual victim, you’re going to have to think of things differently. It may sound counter-productive, but you can try to be nicer to the offender.

Wait, what?

Yep. It’s amazing how people soften over time when you continually show them kindness. I know; I know. They hurt your feelings; they “made” you angry. I get it. A little kindness really does go a long way, though. I’ve seen it happen over and over. Show a person who “wronged” you kindness, and the relationship shifts. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t mean that person “wins.” Kindness can give new life to the relationship because your attitude about that person changes.

Acknowledge Feelings

Acknowledge how you feel. Just don’t let it captivate your entire existence. Find ways to stay grounded. Take a walk. Read. Get busy with your hands. Acknowledge it so you can move through it. If you’re still struggling, ask for help.

Seek Support

Sometimes, we just need to vent. If that’s the case, talk things over with a confidant. You may need to state clearly that you’re upset and just need to get this out. I take that to mean you don’t need anything but an ear or two. You may need help with deciding steps to take. I’d encourage you to state that upfront. You may want to talk it over with your supervisor if the situation warrants. Again, you can state clearly your need to vent or need for help and guidance. If venting turns to complaining repeatedly, there may be something else going on. Ask a real friend who will be honest with you; just be prepared for the answer.

Ask Different Questions

Like Miller suggests in his QBQ book, we may need to ask ourselves different questions. It is easy to get caught up in “how could they” or “why me” types of questions. When we’re in the middle of something, it’s far harder to consider different actions we can take. How could you have handled the situation differently?

Where’s Your Gratitude?

The Bible says we should give thanks in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When we’re in a situation that is not comfortable and perhaps difficult, I find it challenging to be grateful. Start small. Work your way up. If you can see, be grateful. If you can read, be grateful. If you are breathing, be grateful. If your belly is full, be grateful. Get the idea? I find pairing this with the other parts of the process helps me.

What about you? Do you do this, or have you had this done to you? What did you do that helped? If you’ve done this to others, how can you stop? Keep this in mind: If your intention is never to listen or to help when someone is seeking your attention, evaluate your character. Consider how you may be perceived. When you look in the mirror and ask yourself about the person staring back at you, do you like the answers? If you don’t, change. It’s not someone else’s responsibility to do that. It’s yours. Personal accountability is, well, personal.

#Jesus #Personal #Accountability #Questions #Answers #HowTo