In Anxious Times

In times of increased anxiety awareness and pandemic stress and worry, it can be helpful to learn about ourselves and how we handle this thing called anxiety. Karen Horney (pronounced Horn-eye) identified three ways people handle anxiety. She classified them as needs or movements people basically do: We move towards others (compliance); we move against others (aggression); and we move away from them (withdrawal). When we begin notice anxiety, we need to remember what Jung says: Anxiety is a signal. It clues our bodies that something could be wrong.

When we start to feel the signs and symptoms of anxiety, we need to pay attention. According to Cherry for example, when we move towards others, we can come across as seeking affection, love, or appear clingy. We may feel the urge to people-please. Don’t get me wrong: There’s nothing wrong with seeking love; we all need it! In times of anxiety, however, if you notice it’s your go-to, pay attention to it. Talk it over with a trusted friend, one who will be honest with you. Don’t be angry with your friend if s/he is honest with you when you ask. That just means they’re being a good friend if they’re able to be honest with you in a loving way. If you deem it necessary, speak with a professional to work on anxiety management, assertiveness, and boundaries.

If we move against others, Horney says that’s more aggressive ways of relating. Cherry indicates it could mean greater desire for potentially exerting power and control. Keep in mind that assertiveness and aggression aren’t the same thing. Assertiveness is being confident and self-assured while respecting others; assertiveness also means strong, identifiable boundaries. Aggression in the form of exerting power and control on others is abusive. (Please visit The Hotline.org for help if you’re experiencing these in your relationships.) Aggression can be yelling or abrasive behavior as well. Note how aggression is self-centered with a lack of compassion and regard for others. If you lean aggressive when anxious, seek professional help. Learn to empathize.

Another tendency when anxious is moving away from the problem or even people. Sometimes, rather than seek approval or affection or confront others, our tendencies are to withdraw. It is much easier than having to have difficult conversations, correct? But, is it? Withdrawing is a sign of depression. If this is your tendency, please talk this over with a professional, even your primary care physician. Withdrawal can also be an indicator that we are running away from problem or people. The thing about running is this: Wherever we go, all that stuff in our heads goes with us. We don’t escape it; we carry it with us.

Truth is that our histories do not dictate our future. That means simply no matter what any of us have been through, our future is not tied to those events. Think about it: It’s often the past whether real or imagined that hang us up. With real events, we cannot change them, but we can learn from them. With imagined events (reliving conversations of things we wished we would have said, for example), we’re not changing anything. We do not need to be like George here! We have value, and truthfully, we can live lives of value and purpose—forwards, not backwards. If you choose to follow Jesus, we are made new because of Him.

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