Self-grace

—Showing yourself the love and kindness that you would give to a loved one

In this time, it is becoming more challenging to be kind to ourselves. We hear about self-care with good reason. We need it! We tend to be selfish by nature; the original sin is pride. We’re encouraged to be humble, to empty ourselves. It’s hard because, well, we tend to get in the way of things. My hope is we do not grow tired of hearing about self-care as we do with many other things out there.

For some time with my clients, I’ve been using the term “self-grace.” I define self-grace as showing yourself the love and kindness that you would give to a loved one. I think it falls into the category, “easier said than done.”

Self-grace is showing yourself the love and kindness that you would give to a loved one.

Dr. Jason Newcomb

This obviously does not mean focusing on oneself so much so that it leans toward selfishness or narcissistic tendencies.

Hardly!

How then can we give ourselves opportunities to be more loving and kind toward ourselves? Here are some things we can work on to help show ourselves more grace.

1. Forgive. Even when it comes to others, forgiveness helps us, doesn’t it? When we make mistakes, be mindful of the language we use with ourselves. Is it kind; is it loving? I’m a big proponent of being careful with the language we use with ourselves anyway. I think it sets us up positively or negatively, depending. Rather than assign negative labels when we make mistakes, be forgiving. Reframe the mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow.
2. Grow. Grow where we can grow. Maybe it’s improving a skill that is already pretty good. Maybe it’s working on something that is not as strong. Maybe it’s working on existing relationships. Maybe it’s being open to new relationships. Maybe it’s being less hateful and hostile to people different than us. Life is full of opportunities. We get to choose how we color it.
3. Perspective. If we carry hate and hostility in our hearts, how will that affect our relationships, our work, and our children? We hold the colors. We get to choose. We are in charge of our perspective. If our thinking stinks, we can change it. If our struggle revolves around a particular people group, take on a child-like curiosity toward that group. Practice empathy and compassion. Imagine that hostility turning to peace. Imagine the spillover from yourself into your relationships. Recognize we all have struggles; none of us are perfect.
4. Perfection doesn’t exist. Perfection is an unstable, moving target. While we may get close at times, wherever the bar is set and as soon as we approach it, it moves, just a bit further out of reach. It will lead to feeling perpetually uneasy, anxious, or frustrated. Good won’t be good enough…unless we let it. Work on letting good be okay. Would you rather have one really good day out of the week or 5 okay ones?
5. Rest. If facing a big decision, sleep on it. Make sure to eat and rest as regularly as possible. This may seem asinine; however, food and sleep are some of the most common sacrifices we make when we’re busy. Don’t be that busy.
6. It’s okay to get help. Seek out support from your friends, pastors, family, or professionals. Check with your insurance to see what mental health resources are available. Look into EAPs (or Employee Assistance Programs). Look at online modes of therapy as well. Some offer trials; others take insurance.

In short, take action. Do something. Show yourself love and kindness. Show yourself empathy and compassion on the same level you would a loved one. Be okay with baby steps. Baby steps get you there! Incremental change is still change. A Redwood doesn’t grow all at once, and neither do we. Give yourself time, space, and love.

Baby steps get you there! Incremental change is still change. A Redwood doesn’t grow all at once, and neither do we. Give yourself time, space, and love.

Dr. Jason Newcomb

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