The Not-so Gentle Art of Self-forgiveness

Let’s face it: Forgiveness isn’t easy. Often, we’re taught when we’re young to apologize for mistakes we make and to “forgive and forget.” Sometimes, we get it twisted in our minds that we’re forgiving others for their sakes, not ours. Forgiveness, however, is for ourselves.

If we hold onto the unforgiveness, think about the consequences. We become bitter and angry. While, sure, that can affect others, it mainly affects us. We get to live with those negative thoughts and feelings 24-7. How might that affect us health-wise? Probably not positively, right?

Let’s say, then, that we do forgive others for the wrongs, real or perceived. It can be really freeing. Not easy, mind you. But freeing. We often tend to be wired negatively anyway. Negative thoughts and feelings are magnet for other negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, we hear the voices of our past berate us in our heads. Sometimes, that inner voice is our own. Think about this. We can sometimes forgive people who have done horrific things to us or those dear to us. As I mentioned, the forgiveness often leads to a release of bitterness and anger. We live with ourselves all the time.

If we’re already wired negatively, hearing those negative thoughts, feelings, and self-statements frequently in our heads and we can forgive others often easier than we forgive ourselves, think about how that impacts our lives.

Constant criticism. Self-doubt. Negativity. Lingering inward hostility. “You’re not good enough.” “You’re worthless.” “You have nothing to offer.” “You can’t do anything right.” Often, I’ll encourage my clients to use the best friend trick. That is, if your best friend was saying those same kinds of things, what would your advice be? If unforgiveness of others impacts us in so negatively, what would unforgiveness for ourselves look like? What would its impact be?

There are 8760 hours in a year. Say, we remove 1/3 for sleep, that leaves 5840 hours. If a person is negative with themselves, unforgiving–even a tenth of the time–that would be nearly a month of harsh feelings directed inwardly. If we hear something enough (think media; think relationally), we might just start believing it, whether we’re the author or not.

I’m encouraging you to start practicing forgiving yourself. Recently, I had a concert I planned to attend solo. It was a band from my childhood, and I never saw them. They were here locally and at a venue I’d never experienced. I talked it over with my wife and got a ticket.

The day came. It was like any other weekend day with various household things. For whatever reasons, I was really sore and tired. The day progressed, and I found myself in somewhat of a normal routine. I looked at the clock, and it was 11 PM–I had missed the show!

Knee-jerk reactions and thoughts were not positive. Old habits die hard. Self-deprecating statements. Basically, too, I grieved. Shock and denial. I simply could not believe it! I apologized to my wife. I ultimately ended up even laughing about it. Whereas in the past, perhaps I would have not shared this experience. This time, I did; maybe others could learn from my mistake.

And that’s just what it was–a mistake. Mistakes are opportunities to learn. I can certainly think that way when things are going okay. When things are tough and my mood dips, it’s much harder to put into practice…along with self-forgiveness.

Have a game plan for when, not if, this happens. Rest assured, it will. At least the next time, you’ll be prepared. Think about what your best friend or loved one would say to you or God, and practice that. Sometimes, it hits me that if I insult myself, I’m insulting God’s creation, and that’s not okay.

#forgiveness #love #habits #family #negativity #thoughts #feelings #Jesus #God